We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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