this beer tastes like vomit already
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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