he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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