I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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