Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
It's blow job season.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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