my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
