obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
