just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Terrible idea I love it
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
