I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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