omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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