your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
