I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You ruined the universe
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
