Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
