Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
