We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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