I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
