Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
