you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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