dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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