I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i love accidental penises.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Your penis caused this!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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