dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just pee around me
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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