he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
