I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
