Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Randomize
