I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
