These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
