Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
