Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
