I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
