She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
