I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
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She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
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He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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