She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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