Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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