Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
