i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
