I CAN MOONWALK!
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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