I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
