i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
