I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
