Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
