In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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