my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
me + whiskey = a bad person
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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