Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
