There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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