Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
