I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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