I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
