Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
