never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
