I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
