I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
