You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
