So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
