you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
