Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
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I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
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We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.