People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
