she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
My balls are so social today.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
